Polygyny in Islam
“Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one.” Al-Qu’ran (4:3)
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh to all
Today’s entry will be about….. *Drumroll plz*… POLYGYNY(not to be/get confused with Polygamy).
” Dictionary: po·lyg·y·ny
n.
- The condition or practice of having more than one wife at one time.”
I have always had a very open-minded view on the subject, not only was I raised seeing Polygyny via my Grandfather and his Wives(of which were all equally and lovingly called my Grandmothers), there was no displays of confused children, families being ripped apart and yes, one could say that it was from another generation of “muslim folk” but I greatly stand to differ. Family and the definition of such wasn’t taught to us as the connecting DNA-string but rather via creation, adaptation and attraction to those who were able to care for you in a host of ways, of such most importantly to be able to love and nurture, that being said there was little to no tolerance for conveniently throwing around terms such as “You aren’t my Mother/Father/*insert role here*”; which happens to be heavily used in the western civilization that we live in. As children and grandchildren via polygyny, we were taught to respect all Adults within the home and family period, it wasn’t our place to question nor did we feel the need because as we got older, we were privy to age appropriate information which helped to shed light on the subject on many levels/aspects not to mention that we saw other examples via family friends with Brothers and their Wives, mind you not all of them were singing in unison to the tune of “lollipops & gumdrops”, but they all had in common the ability to MAINTAIN and RESPECT their marriages for the love and sake of Allah(swt).
Upon speaking with numerous Sisters in Islam about having a co-wife and all that being in a marriage based off of Islam first and then polygyny second; the most common tone which is brought up lots is that of the 3 r’s= “resentment”, “rejection” and mostly “replacement”.
For this I do somewhat blame not only the Men, but also the families that most of us were raised in, unfortunately Polygyny wasn’t always introduced in a respectful manner and was taken as being a insult or hurtful action/suggestion, knowing that we are “only human” we aren’t always able to distinguish between what is fair and what is written in the Holy Qu’ran and outlined.
*I could always go on and on, and if you know me personally you know it’s so true…but instead opening up for discussion..feel free to input yours*
Another good entry to add to your blogroll would be this one:
http://polygynousblessings.blogspot.com
September, 30th 2009 at 4:32 PM
as salam alaikum.
Please excuse my spelling as I am not fluent in English, but kheir inshAllah.
I agree that it is the society that we live in that views polygamy in a disrespectfull manner. I think it is a beautyful act, and something that Allah has allowed and by being muslim I believe and therefore I obey, that being even the thing that I do not agree with or see that this is for me, I accept it and respect it. If my husband chooses to get a sencond wife, I just pray that there is kheir in it, in dunya or in akhirah inshAllah. I don’t oppose in any way, because, alhamdulillah it is from Allah.
September, 30th 2009 at 7:18 PM
Aslam excelent site,im also intrestd in pologmy,so get bk to me if ur in the uk.aslamulkum. Im 30,working,practsing and 6ft.
September, 30th 2009 at 7:42 PM
As-salamu alaikum,
Excellent! These two clips are thought provoking… They helped me to get in touch with some of my feelings…
Somethings that I would like to share is:
1. Allah only gives us tests that He knows we can pass.
2. Allah knows what is best for us.
Thanks for sharing these clips.
May Allah be with you…
October, 1st 2009 at 10:37 AM
Mashallah what a beautiful story and excellent advice on how to approach Allah in your duas regarding this sensitive topic. I totally agree that polygany requires maturity so one cannot be too jealous or think about who he loves more. The woman who accepts a man with another wife can definitely not think and wish he loves her more then its wrong reason to enter polygyny relationship. I agree that these days its very hard to find a true pious good muslim man so if I happen to have pious God fearing sincere husband then why not share him with another wonderful sister of mine and I know so many wonderful sisters in Islam. There are so many benefits with polygyny. Its better you know where your husband is going and that he gives the same to another woman as he does to you than if he goes behind your back like many non-muslim men do and just to satisfy a desire not even to give the misstress respect,and as women are sensitive by nature often that misstress end up broken hearted because she was sure he would leave his wife and marry her. How often havent we heard such stories. I totally trust Allah on this rule in Quran giving the man right to have four wives. And the way Islam deals with human nature is just different and only divine guidance can make us understand the beauty of Islam. Also if you dont accept this to let your husband have another wife, then you should queston your faith and trust in the words of Allah. As a true muslimah it is necessary to submit to the entire Quran and I have heard how women want to write in a contract that if he takes another wife then there is divorce…I wonder if this is Islamic…I doubt the wives of Rasool Allah ever told Muhammad saws if you take another wife I want divorce and if you dont let me divorce you then I wont marry you….This is not islamic nor trust in the words of Allah. Its the ego speaking and I disagree that a wife can possess and control the man in that way…Nor do I think the man will love her more for that. Polygyny has nothing to do with respect or disrepsect. Thanks for sharing how Allah removed your negative feelings. Thats so important to remember not only regarding polygyny but in anything….I advice all muslimah women to read the stories of the mothers of the believers. They are so cute and when one loves those stories then one has nothing against polygyny. May Allah give you strength and see more and more benefits with polygyny for surely refusing polygyny is selfish and one cannot say but then the woman should have another husband too. Its not the nature of the woman to share herself with more than one man.
A truly pious God fearing man deserves to have four wives and four wives is nothing compared to non-muslim men having 10 girlfriends without giving them a relationship and if she becomes preghant tell her to do abortion or run away from responsibility. No a muslim man would never tell a woman who become pregnant to do aborotion and will be responsible even those not very practising.
A man who never had a girlfriend outside of marriage or a man who truly repents for his sins and become truly God-Fearing deserves to have more than one wife. I agree that it has nothing to do with love or something wrong with me. Sometimes polygyny can improve the relationship although to a certain extent I agree with a brother telling other brothers to solve their problems with first wife before taking another wife. Dont take another wife and try to solve problems with first through her….
Its better to allow your husband to take another wife than force him to go behind your back because most men do want another wife anyway…Most men cannot stick to one woman all life…And to force them to do so is to not accept them as they are.
Whether you accept it or not most men will take another wife in secret so why fight it, a right Allah has given them and surely men do not want to loose their first wife just because they take another wife. This we can learn from non-muslim behavior where married man has a mistress. He wants to keep his wife and also wants to keep the misstress.
Also men are not the same way as the woman but I think women wants that sometimes and it creates problems in the relationship…
October, 2nd 2009 at 1:58 AM
Asalamu Alakum,
First, I would like to say that I am still not in a state of mind where I can accept polygyny in my marriage. I have been Muslim and married for about 3 years. I thank you for talking on this subject because the selfishness is hard to get over. Also, the negative light that has been shined on it does not help either. I accept polygyny as a right of Muslim men and I think I have definitely come a long way in terms of accepting that it’s lawful. The story on NPR was inspirational though. You hear all the horror stories but you rarely hear about the ones that actually work. So, thank you again for this site and the links. May Allah reward you both for your efforts.
Ameena
October, 2nd 2009 at 10:35 PM
As salaam alaikum, my sisters. First, I am glad to see that someone took the time to gather us all together. Insha’Allah, it will be heard my many. I am in the US and in this country it is more acceptable to commit adultry, then to practice polygyny. i often hear women say, “as long as I don’t know”. Therefore, men opt to lie because the women has already stated that the man can do whatever he likes, as long as she doesn’t know. Oftentime, this is the moment that this practice becomes ugly, distasteful and disrespectful. We are taught to “want for my sister what I want for myself”, as long as it ain’t my husband. Well, to all the sisters that have an issue with this: Your man is NOT your man. If he is on his deen like he should be, then he is ALLAH’S (swt) man and what Allah has ordained for him, you CANNOT take away from him. It is that simple. I love you for the sake of Allah and you must love that man for the same reason. You must love the sister that he brings into your family, as his wife for the same reasons. This thing is not hard. You just have to give up YOUR ills.
October, 4th 2009 at 1:26 PM
Asalamualekum,
we women fear multiple marriages becasue we see so many accounts of men marrying multiple wives for their own pleasure–being selfish and uncareing with all of his wives, sometimes allowing one of the wives to rule ruthlessly over the other-i’ve witnessed this many times among friends. if men throughout the ages had been fair with multiple wives-then we ‘d have no reason to fear it, i don;t believe its jealousy-i believe it is fear. when muslim men can prove to us women that they are thoughtful, caring, empathetic, sympathetic to us-then we might just accept this situation of multiple wives.
October, 6th 2009 at 8:00 PM
Wa Alaikum Assalam Sister Annyksa, I appreciate you posting your thoughts and opinions. I hope that the overall outlook will be changed soon insha’Allah. Salaams
October, 8th 2009 at 10:52 PM
AsalaamuAlaikumwaRahmatulahiwaBarakatahu,
Cinderella and Snow White did a job on me! Lawd ha’ Murcy! It took me two weeks to detoxify my mind and spirit from that ‘one man/one woman only’ madness; It was almost like I was in rehab coming off of a drug; I cried, I was in a deep depression, my mind and heart ached in that place where Marriage belongs – I suffered MaashAllah; After the two weeks, I awoke in a state of acceptance of Polygyny – Thank You Allah. Alhumdulilah!
Wow! I now understand that Allah is VERY, VERY, VERY SERIOUS about our not joining ANYONE in worship with Him – including our Husbands; Cinderella and Snow White caused me to put the man on a spiritual, psychological, and emotional pedestal where he does not belong!
I now understand that if I do not accept Polygyny, then I will be a direct contributor and co-signer of my Muslim Sister’s, Muslim children’s, and Muslims Brother’s sufferings, and also the deterioration of Society; I will be a part of the problem, and not a part of the solution; In my disobedience and selfishness, I will be part of building a Nation where my children, grand-children, great grand-children etc., may/will suffer severely; Polygyny is NECESSARY, NECESSARY, NECESSARY, for a healthy Community! It’s IMPOSSIBLE, IMPOSSIBLE, IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy Islamic Society without Polygyny! Polygyny is Allah’s ‘Social Services’!
Polygyny is definitely a test for Muslim Women; We say we believe in Allah, and obviously Polygyny is a way for us to prove our belief.
I would hate if my husband denied me any ONE of the rights given to me by Allah; I believe that when a Muslim Woman denies her husband the right to practice Polygyny (for no Islamic reason), then I believe he will resent her, and never ever treat her as well as he could; I think this phenomenon also contributes to many Muslim men oppressing their wives through spite.
I now understand about the benefits a woman can enjoy by being in a Polygynous Marriage, such as extra time to worship, entertain the children(if any), rest, study, go to school, create, meditate, rejuvenate, wear ugly pajama’s, establish and run a business, travel, shop, be with family and friends, and just enjoy her own company; Alhumdulilah! I think the time away can also ‘freshen’ the Marriage.
shaytaan has promised to mess with us, so, of course we may/will feel this and that, or the other, from time to time – Allah Knows Best; But I know that it is better to be bothered by shaytaan, while submitting to Allah’s Command, than to be conquered by shaytaan, while disobeying Allah.
Every Muslim female should be prepared to accept Polygyny in their lives. I now believe that if a Muslim woman does not accept Polygyny in principle, then she IS NOT ready for an Islamic Marriage! I think a Muslim man is asking for disaster if he marries a Muslim Woman who does not accept every Command in The Quran; Allah Say’s that Muslims say, “We hear and we obey” and not, “Uh Uh! I’m not doin’ dat!
Thank you for reading this.
May Allah increase Blessings, Forgiveness, Bounties, Mercies, Guidance and Light for you and all of the Believers.
May Allah Bless you to be very happy on the Last Day.
With Love MaashAllah,
Saboorah
October, 10th 2009 at 7:38 PM
Many muslim men enter into polygamy without being prepared for it. My husband had 3 wives at one point and found it to be a struggle. It is incredabley hard to be just in polygamy when you love one wife more than another or dislike a wife altogether. lets remind the brothers that the one who is unjust with his wives will be raised on the day of judgement lopsided. It requires alot of taqwa and knowledge of the deen to get it right. Hope this helps remind everyone it is not easy and not a bit of fun. Assalamu alaikum.
October, 22nd 2009 at 7:56 AM
Salaamu Alaikunna
We are commanded, not suggested, to enter into Islaam completely. That means polygyny by men who can afford to practice it, but it is very expensive mentally and emotionally, I have observed as one who was in such a marriage and would actually like to enter into it again… correctly. If a man is able to divide his tangible, material aspects of time, wealth, housing… may Allaah have mercy upon him for what he cannot measure out for his heart. I have been a wife left hanging, I have seen other wives who are left hanging, while the sister being favored excuses it as “I am just the new toy, he will come back to you”. We have to expect the men to be men, and to excuse them when they err, but also call them back to what is righteousness; we have to expect the women to be women, and to excuse them when they are jealous in excess, but also call them back to what is righteous. This is their rights over us, as decreed by the One who has all right over us, Rabbi al alamin.
Jazak Allaah bi khair, wa barak Allaahu feekhunna.
November, 22nd 2009 at 2:32 PM
Excellent Sis!!! I enjoyed this post immensely!!! =0)